Friday, October 17, 2003
Ed In The Antarctic - Stopover on return trip from Iraq
Dateline Rock, MI -
Yes, we have returned after one of those long hiatuses, or hiatusi or hia-karati, or something. Where have we been, you ask? Well, OK, you aren't really asking. But we pose the question as a hypothetical (or an ethical hypo, or a hippo with ethics, or an unethical hypochondriac, I don't know).
Well I, that's me, Ed DeToure, have been on extended leave (that's Britishter speak for "gone," "outta here," "vamoosed," "done hit the road, Al"). I have been in Iraq. Yes, you heard me right, Iraq. I was called in by the CIA to pose as a real newsreporter (which is tougher to do than you would think), whilst secretly searching for WMD.
Yes, indeed: they wanted me to search for Winni Mandela's Diary. I couldn't believe it. I told them they’d never find WMD in Iraq. They were looking in the wrong place. The diary is most likely in South Africa, having been brought back from Nigeria upon Winni's return from that country last month after attending a meeting of the Conference On Women, Minorities, and Other Victims of White Middle-Aged Balding Overweight American Male-Type Rich Guys.
President Bush was absolutely correct in asserting the raw materials for the making of WMD had their origins in Nigeria. You should see the entries in Winni's diary that were made while she was in Nigeria. So the next time you Democrats feel emboldened to challenge a statement made by our fine President, you just remember Winni's diary—there's stuff in there about you that you wouldn't want to be made public, especially you, Kennedy.
Well, I knew I wouldn't find WMD in Iraq, and I didn't. However, I had an exciting time: I got to view the stone-age up close, and without even the need for a time machine!
-Ed DeToure (Oct. 17)