Thursday, March 29, 2007
The World-Famous Birthday Song
Here it is, for conspicuous consumption:
Regards,
Heney
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Heney Keur Discovers Futility Of Air Travel
Dateline Rock, MI -
In a stunning breakthrough in the science of transient technology and transportation studies, Dr. Heney Keur of the University of Southern Northern Michigan at Rock, Professor Emeritus and former Dean of the College of Extemporaneous Sundry Interpolations, has postulated a new theorem that will likely revolutionize the way in which personal and business travel is implemented worldwide in the coming years. The good doctor explains it this way:
"I remember now why I don't like flying. I was going through the grueling ordeal that they call a security check at Rock International Airport the other day. I thought I was being processed for a stint in the State Pen. They divested me of all of my personal effects and spread them out in several trays for all the world to behold. At that point, I thought I was headed for the lockup for sure, and requested from my interrogators that they please see to it that all of these effects of mine are forwarded to my nearest kin should Bubba and the guys in the yard decide that they don't much care for me.
"Therefore, my theorem states that it is always faster, not to mention more fulfilling, to travel by car rather than by plane to any location that you can drive to in a day's journey. The theorem is expressed in equation form as thus: If CT"<"1D Then CT"<"AT, where CT represents car travel, D represents a nominal car travel day, and AT represents air travel in hours measured from leaving home to arrival at that evening's lodging."
While it can't be said with certainty, it is highly likely that Dr. Heney Keur will be in line to receive the Nobel Prize for science this year for this groundbreaking work.
In a stunning breakthrough in the science of transient technology and transportation studies, Dr. Heney Keur of the University of Southern Northern Michigan at Rock, Professor Emeritus and former Dean of the College of Extemporaneous Sundry Interpolations, has postulated a new theorem that will likely revolutionize the way in which personal and business travel is implemented worldwide in the coming years. The good doctor explains it this way:
"I remember now why I don't like flying. I was going through the grueling ordeal that they call a security check at Rock International Airport the other day. I thought I was being processed for a stint in the State Pen. They divested me of all of my personal effects and spread them out in several trays for all the world to behold. At that point, I thought I was headed for the lockup for sure, and requested from my interrogators that they please see to it that all of these effects of mine are forwarded to my nearest kin should Bubba and the guys in the yard decide that they don't much care for me.
"It was at that point, that I began to rationalize my theorem. The thought process went something like this: Let's say you and I wanted to go from western Michigan to Nashville, about a 10-hour drive with rest stops and one meal stop along the way. You decide to fly, but I figure the drive will work just fine for me. We both leave home at 7:00 AM. I head for Nashville; you head for a 10:30 AM flight out of Grand Rapids. You fly from Grand Rapids to Detroit arriving at 11:30 and a 3-hour layover for your flight to Nashville. At 2:30 PM you get on the plane for the 1-1/2 hour flight. You arrive in Nashville at 3:00 pm (you are now on central time), and by around 3:45 you are collecting your luggage (a big leap of faith in and of itself) and head to the rental car booth. If you're lucky, you are exiting the airport around 4:15 for a half-hour drive to your hotel. When you arrive at 4:45, the front desk informs you that I checked in about 45 minutes ago. Then we go out for dinner where you tell me all of your horror stories about airline trip delays, cancellations, lost luggage, rude security people and so on, and I tell you what a nice day I had unwinding, traveling down the open road at my own pace, seeing interesting things along the way, talking with people I would never meet otherwise, and kicking back and enjoying a nice meal with leg and elbow room, all the while thinking about you eating your bite-sized sandwich, 3 baby carrot sticks, and a couple of saltines (for which you paid an extra 5 bucks). Yup, if it is a day's drive from home, there seems little reason for me to get on a plane.
"Therefore, my theorem states that it is always faster, not to mention more fulfilling, to travel by car rather than by plane to any location that you can drive to in a day's journey. The theorem is expressed in equation form as thus: If CT"<"1D Then CT"<"AT, where CT represents car travel, D represents a nominal car travel day, and AT represents air travel in hours measured from leaving home to arrival at that evening's lodging."
While it can't be said with certainty, it is highly likely that Dr. Heney Keur will be in line to receive the Nobel Prize for science this year for this groundbreaking work.
