Thursday, July 15, 2010
Dateline New Orleans -
President Obama recently designated Heney Keur as his special envoy to the Gulf. Heney immediately went out and played 18 holes at the Marquette Golf and Country Club, not far from his home in Rock, Michigan. The secret service showed up on the 13th green and informed Heney that it was the “Gulf” not “golf” that he was sent to inspect.
Never one to shirk his duty, Heney promptly boarded an old life raft from the Edmund Fitzgerald—he borrowed that from the museum at Whitefish Point located near where the Fitz went down in Lake Superior in 1975—and started on the long trip south. As he entered the Chicago River, Heney thought that he was being tasered from shore, when actually he had run across the stretch of water that is electrified to keep Asian Carp out of Lake Michigan. Aside from looking like he had stuck his finger in a light socket, Heney was none the worse for wear and continued down toward the Mississippi River.
Heney’s trip down the Mississippi was uneventful except for an old Confederate soldier who came out of the woods near Vicksburg with his bayonet fixed and charged old Heney. It seems that the soldier didn’t realize that the war was over. Upon finding out that the war had concluded 145 years earlier, the old soldier promptly died. Heney kept the bayonet as a souvenir; he thought he would hang it on the wall of his Warren Peace room (named for an old history teacher of his), and he figured he could later sell it on Ebay if he ever got tired of looking at it.
Well, Heney entered the Gulf on the 14th green . . . or, rather, the 14th of July . . . and found that the BP engineers were placing a cap on the free-flowing oil well. Heney is currently lending his expertise, and the expectation is that the well will be capped later today. Heney once capped an oil bottle after using some of the oil mixed with a little balsamic vinegar on a salad, so that alone makes him more competent than either BP or the current administration in Washington to get this job done!