The Fruitport Snooze And Nunica Report

Heney Keur Headed To Gulf

2010-07-15T13:49:00.010-04:00

Dateline New Orleans -President Obama recently designated Heney Keur as his special envoy to the Gulf. Heney immediately went out and played 18 holes at the Marquette Golf and Country Club, not far from his home in Rock, Michigan. The secret service showed up on the 13th green and informed Heney that it was the “Gulf” not “golf” that he was sent to inspect.Never one to shirk his duty, Heney

A Public Service Message From The TSA

2008-12-15T13:08:00.003-05:00

DECEMBER 15, 2008NOTICE: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, PERSONS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO BOARD ANY DOMESTIC OR INTERNATIONAL BOUND AIRCRAFT WEARING OR CARRYING ANY SHOES SIZE 10 OR LARGER.IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT SUCH ARTICLES CAN BE FASHIONED INTO TERRORIST WEAPONS.THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION AND UNDERSTANDING.YOUR FRIENDS AT THE TSA AND HOMELAND SECURITY.“LOOKING AFTER YOUR BEST INTERESTS AND

You Just Might Be From Michigan If . . .

2008-12-09T21:12:00.003-05:00

Hi all. Heney here. We have had so much snow in Rock, MI already this season that we are ready for some relief. And since the only relief we can wrap our arms around right now is comic, I offer you the following.These statements below in "black" letters were posed by Jeff Foxworthy, as I understand it. The copyright belongs to him. My restatement here constitutes “fair use” for the purposes

Limerick of the Day

2007-11-06T22:24:00.000-05:00

The Young Man Of NantucketBy Heney Keur, Ph.D., Ed.D., M.O.U.S.E. There was a young man of Nantucket,Who worked moving freight in a bucket.‘Till one day it allGot too heavy to haul,So he quit and decided to truck it.

Heney Keur Solves Energy Crisis--Busts Up Oil Conglomerates--Makes All Americans Rich!

2007-05-28T20:10:00.000-04:00

Dateline Rock, MI - Dr. Heney Keur, Chair of the Department of Transient Technology and Transportation Studies within the College of Extemporaneous Sundry Interpolations at the University of Southern Northern Michigan, Rock, MI, has again postulated a groundbreaking theory that will solve the energy crisis by rendering oil obsolete, and at the same time provide a massive boost to the global

Morons On The Road - Look For Triple Crown Winners!

2007-05-16T22:00:00.002-04:00

Dateline Spring Lake, Michigan (but could be anywhere) -Have you seen these people on the road? You know--morons. They are all over the place. And they seem to be getting thicker by the year. The hallmark of a moron is that he doesn't know he is one. For a reality check, if you have ever had a thought that you might be a moron, you can rest assured that you are not.A moron on the road is a

Heney Keur Gains Release Of 15 British Hostages

2007-04-03T19:30:00.000-04:00

Dateline Tehran -Iranian chief thug ahmeda . . . ahkeme . . . er, head towelhead whatshisname has agreed to the release of the 15 British hostages that have been employed for propaganda purposes for the last couple of weeks. Sources say (don't you love that phrase) that at the behest of the British government, Heney made a back door diplomatic trip (which is to say he went by way of raft from

The World-Famous Birthday Song

2007-03-29T14:33:00.000-04:00

Here it is, for conspicuous consumption:Regards,Heney

Heney Keur Discovers Futility Of Air Travel

2007-03-21T08:26:00.000-04:00

Dateline Rock, MI -In a stunning breakthrough in the science of transient technology and transportation studies, Dr. Heney Keur of the University of Southern Northern Michigan at Rock, Professor Emeritus and former Dean of the College of Extemporaneous Sundry Interpolations, has postulated a new theorem that will likely revolutionize the way in which personal and business travel is implemented

Heney Keur Claims To Be The Father Of Anna Nicole's Baby

2007-02-15T22:16:00.000-05:00

Dateline Rock, MI -It was reported today from Vern in Buckley, by way of Al is Mancelona, through Stan up in Rogers City, relayed to Fred in Detour Village that Heney Keur is the bonifide father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. After failing to find Heney at home in Rock, Snooze reporters fanned out across the UP this afternoon to locate him and ask him about this report. There were two questions

Heney Keur's Weather Prediction For March 2007!

2007-02-14T11:14:00.000-05:00

I predict that March will be colder than expected, but warmer than anticipated, with maybe some snow, but not a lot unless we happen to get quite a bit, and some welcomed sunshine on those days that are not overcast. That is my prediction--can I be the next groundhog?-Heney

Coup Launched In Thailand

2006-09-19T13:33:00.000-04:00

It was reported today that a coup was launched in Thailand by the Military. This has prompted the question: When they say the military launches a coup, does that mean they let all the chickens loose? A fair question, to be sure. We would like to take this opportunity to answer this worthy question, as a public service to our readers.Generally, all of the chickens stay in the coup when it is

Heney Arrives In Kenya!

2005-09-08T15:09:00.000-04:00

Installment 2 - read installment 1 (previous article) first.In route to New Orleans from Australia via Chile, Heney Keur's Australian military transport apparently overshot South America today, landing instead in Niarobi, Kenya. Heney called us at Snooze Central via his Verizon cellphone (which worked perfectly . . . we could hear him now) to report that he figured something was amiss when they

Where Is Heney Keur In The Midst Of The Katrina Emergency?

2005-09-08T14:48:00.000-04:00

Installment 1 of a developing story.Dateline - Nunica, MIWe have been asked numerous times the questions, "Where Is Heney Keur In The Midst Of The Katrina Emergency? Is he is Louisiana helping with the relief effort?"We'll we received a satellite call from Heney yesterday while he was transiting over the South Pacific. What he told us is this: He volunteered to help FEMA early on in the

Al Gore Captures al-Quida No. 3 Man

2005-05-05T11:11:00.000-04:00

Dateline - Islamibad, PakistanAl Gore single-handedly and with a great exhibition of strength and courage captured the number three man in the al-Quida chain of command, it was reported today by Al Gore.Gore reports that he flew to Pakistan last week, and impersonating a muslim cleric (he grew his beard out again) he got all the inside poop on Abu Farraj (Mitch) al-Libbi."It was easy," stated

A Snooze Exclusive - The Real Bush Service Record Memo!

2004-09-21T14:39:00.000-04:00

Dateline - Rock, MI Much has been made of the "Bush Service Record" Memo. As we all know, it is a proven fake that was written by . . . er, I mean, that completely duped a naive and gullible--yet otherwise trustworthy and unbiased [hack, hack, cough, gulp, cough again]--Dan Rather.However, Dr. Heney Keur, of the University of Southern Northern Michigan (Rock, MI campus), has surreptitiously

Tenant Resigns!

2004-06-04T22:36:00.000-04:00

Dateline Rock, MI - George, a tenant at the University of Southern Northern Michigan's off-campus housing--officially known as Runnynose Estates--abruptly kicked the cat over the balcony and resigned yesterday as an occupant of the modestly divey apartment complex. Citing family concerns, tenant George, or just plain George (the tenant), stated in eloquent (though highly alliterated) prose that

Heney Keur Plays Race Card

2004-05-16T22:51:00.000-04:00

Dateline - Baltimore His Royalness, Duke of Ellington, Count Of Bassie, Earl Of Hines, Milk Of Cow--of Magnesia--Heney Keur (hey, don't knock it; it was the Queen's doing) has been officially accused by the British Media (read: trashy tabloids) of playing the "race card." Yes, it seems that Heney was photographed at Pamlico Park over the weekend, betting on the Preakness Stakes (read: horse

In Honor Of Earth Day 2004

2004-04-28T14:48:00.000-04:00

The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down. - Rush Limbaugh, from "The 35 Undeniable Truths Of Life." Students Of Dr. Heney Keur celebrating Earth Day At The University Of Southern Northern Michigan At Rock

Earth Day In An Earlier Time . . . Ah, For The Good Ole Days.

2004-04-22T22:00:00.000-04:00

Congress Sends Iraq Bill to Bush

2003-11-05T10:40:00.000-05:00

Dateline Washington, D.C. - Congress today sent Iraq Bill to Bush for signing. Yes, it seems that Iraq Bob's brother Bill broke his leg while firing off one of those rocket-propelled grenades the other day. The US military snatched him up, set the broken bone, and has had him detained at an undisclosed location in Baghdad for the past week. The military has been unsure what to do with Bill,

The Snooze Returns After Long Nap!

2003-10-17T00:15:00.000-04:00

Ed In The Antarctic - Stopover on return trip from Iraq Dateline Rock, MI - Yes, we have returned after one of those long hiatuses, or hiatusi or hia-karati, or something. Where have we been, you ask? Well, OK, you aren't really asking. But we pose the question as a hypothetical (or an ethical hypo, or a hippo with ethics, or an unethical hypochondriac, I don't know). Well I, that's me, Ed

The Great California Debate

2003-09-25T23:30:00.000-04:00

Jerry Brown (What???)Dateline, Sacramento - It was a great show. Arnold and Arianna duked it out, with Arnold promising Arianna a part in his upcoming movie, Terminator Four--what a generous guy. However, the real debate took place across town at the Jerry Brown Theater (Jerry Brown is great theater) on the campus of the University of Ying and Yang Zhen Enlightenment and Ummmmmmmmmmm (on one

Kennedy Gets Foot Stuck In Mouth, Heney Keur Called In to Perform Extraction

2003-09-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

The "Teddy Card" from George Bush's newly released deck of cards Dateline Hyannisport, Mass. - Over the weekend Teddy Kennedy accused George Bush of "fraud and bribery" in connection with the Iraqi war and its aftermath (that's reading and writing for you folks in West Palm Beach, FL—get it, “after-math”). As Kennedy came up for air between drinks on Sunday morning, he muttered something along

Northwesterly (for the most part) Airlines Announces Pleasingly Platinum Elite Status

2003-09-16T23:36:00.000-04:00

Dateline, Fargo, ND - One of the nation’s premier airlines, Northwesterly (for the most part) Airlines, has made a major addition to its airline passenger caste system. Northwesterly (for the most parts)’s brand new Pleasingly Platinum Elite program is a welcomed major leap forward toward further discrimination between the various “strata” of customers, i.e., those who get the steak and

Presidential Candidate Howard Dean Rolls Out New Sausage Product

2003-09-14T23:39:00.000-04:00

Dateline, Montpelier, Vermont - Former Vermont Governor and current Presidential candidate Howard Dean is about to bring to market, along with his brother Jimmy Dean, a brand new sausage product. The sausage has not been formally unwrapped but it promises to be like no pork ever proffered by a purveyor of politics, especially if Dean should actually be elected President. Says Dean, "I cannot

2003-09-11T08:20:00.000-04:00

Bin Laden Video Tape Surfaces

2003-09-10T23:33:00.000-04:00

Dateline, South Bend - A video tape purportedly rented by Osama Bin Laden has recently turned up at the Blockbuster in South Bend, Indiana, according to the Jazeera brothers, Al and Bill. Photo of the actual Bin Laden Video - "Death to America" inscribed on the back Bill and Al Jazeera, owners and operators of Jazeera's Allah Akhbar Videos and Roadside Mosque in rural Southbend (located kiddy

Heney Keur Mulls Run For California Governor

2003-09-09T09:44:00.000-04:00

Dateline, Eastern West Virginia - Heney Keur, PhD., P.E., M.O.U.S.E. is in eastern West Virginia today (the northern part) to test the waters for possible entry into the gubernatorial race in California. Heney chose West Virginia for his foray in politics since it is far removed from the rough and tumble, politically-charged atmosphere that is the "state de affairs" in the land of fruits and

President Bush Gives Major Speech From Whitehouse - Heney Keur Rushed To Washington To Give Final Approval To The Text

2003-09-07T22:35:00.000-04:00

Dateline, Washington D.C. - President George W. Bush, His Royal Highness, Duke of Ellington, Earl of Hines, Count of Bassie, Baron on down on Al Quada, Milk of Cow of Magnesia, Lord of the Isles (Or Aisles whatever the case may be) and Prince, Great Steward, and Keeper of the Charlie's Angels video collection (hey, if the Brits can have all of these fancy titles, so can we) entered into the

B L A C K O U T !

2003-09-07T00:27:00.000-04:00

The Fruitport Snooze and Nunica Report is pleased to present a feature article that was published in the print edition last month just prior to us taking the publication exclusively to the internet. We hope you enjoy this one from the archives. For August 15, 2003 B L A C K O U T ! Dateline Ohio – The entire northeastern quadrant (that means quarter for those of you in Southern California)

Guest Reply Editorial - Re: Heney Keur's "Roadmap To Piece."

2003-09-05T16:33:00.000-04:00

I always try to read my "copy" of the NUNICA report at NOON. I especially like keeping up with Heney! Oh, I mean Dr. Keur. Do you think he will eventually find the best pie in PA (Dutch country)? It's only a theory, but pie are square and Pennsylvania is more square than California, which seems to be more elongated. Jeff Thanks for your insight, Jeff. We do see what you mean. It makes

The Snooze Adds Guestbook, Hires New Editor

2003-09-04T22:33:00.000-04:00

The Fruitport Snooze and Nunica Report has added a guestbook to our internet edition. You can now communicate directly to us all of those disjointed thoughts that have been simmering in a cauldron neatly tucked away somewhere in the vast, empty recesses of your brain for weeks now. Thoughts such as: "I wish that guy would take me off his mailing list;" and "What a stupid, mindless activity—I

U.N. Peacekeepers Patrol Peoria

2003-09-01T22:19:00.000-04:00

(Pssst - mouse over the flag thingy above.^^^^^^) Dateline Peoria, IL - The Fruitport Snooze learned today that U.N. Peacekeepers are on the ground in Peoria, IL having been dispatched forthwith (we always wanted to use that term) by Secretary General Kofi Anan (who is sometimes referred to as 8 o'clock Kofi for the time he usually rolls out of bed in the morning). It seems that General Fresh

Heney Keur Unveils "Roadmap To Piece" - Takes It On Nationwide Tour

2003-08-28T11:22:00.000-04:00

, Dateline, Rock, Michigan - Dr. Heney Keur, Ph.D., P.E., M.O.U.S.E., Outstanding Fellow (thank you very much) of the Institute for the Advancement of Culinary Arts, Sampling Division, and Chair of the Department of Macro Mucho Pass-The-Pasta Home Economizers (order by 6 pm Monday - Thursday) has tendered his much anticipated and brilliantly delectable "Roadmap To Piece." Heney Keur is taking

2003-08-26T08:28:00.000-04:00

For all of August 26th, 2003 (and maybe the rest of the month, too) Heney Keur Solves Massive Northeast Power Outage Dateline, Northern Ohio - Dr. Heney Keur, Ph.D., P.E., M.O.U.S.E., current chair of the Dept. of Collective Rhyme And Reasoning in the College of Arts and Quasi-Sciences at the University of Southern Northern Michigan at Rock, MI, has recently been exposed. No, it's not what you