Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Heney Keur Solves Massive Northeast Power Outage
Dateline, Northern Ohio -
Dr. Heney Keur, Ph.D., P.E., M.O.U.S.E., current chair of the Dept. of Collective Rhyme And Reasoning in the College of Arts and Quasi-Sciences at the University of Southern Northern Michigan at Rock, MI, has recently been exposed. No, it's not what you think. It turns out that Dr. Keur put all of the resources available to him--and many others that he just plain took--to use in solving the major power outage earlier this month.
The investigation into circumstances surrounding the outage reveals that Heney was minding his own business at home in Rock where he was taking in a major new Broadway production (they try out new shows in Rock before moving to lesser venues such as NYC), when he received a desperate phone call from the folks at Consolidated Edison. Heney is known in electric circles (that's AC power for you novices out there) as the Red Adair of electricity. (Red Adair is, of course, the fella who travels around the world capping off oil geysers. Wouldn't you love to have his frequent flyer miles!)
Anyway, Heney was called in to cap one of the biggest blowout power outages in US history, or even Ancient Roman history! Well, Heney jumped on the first Greyhound bus for Ohio. After the 32-hour trip from Rock, Heney checked into the Motel 6 where he set up his base of operations. He quickly discovered that the Motel 6 had no internet service, so he pulled a spool of cable out of his suitcase (he always carries a 500 ft roll of cable wherever he goes--you never know when it might be needed), and strung the cable out the window, over the roof of the nearby Denny's restaurant, along the bridge that runs across the interstate highway, and finally to Merv Gluckers backyard where he tapped into Merv's cable connection. Merv is taking 20 bucks a month from Heney under the table for the connection, but the cable company doesn't know about this arrangement--hey, they get too much money for their service anyway.
Once Command Center One was established, Heney realized that he couldn't access the Internet as there was no power for his computer. Resigned to the fact that his Internet gaming would need to wait, Heney reluctantly headed over to the power company to solve the problem. When he arrived, he discovered that the main plug had been pulled out of the wall, but everyone there was really afraid to plug it back in because that was a union job, and the union thugs were on site to make sure that only a union guy would plug the cord back in. Of course, the regular employees didn't want to end up as part of the Giants Stadium endzone where they would have Jimmy Hoffa as their neighbor, so they were all sitting around playing Chinese Checkers and eating Win Schulers bar cheese and Ritz crackers when Heney arrived.
Heney Keur Caught On Camera By Paparazzi
While Vacationing Somewhere In Europe Last Year
Heney approached the union thugs offering to implement the fix. However, they said that the cord could only be plugged back in by a bonifide union official with his dues paid up to date. Heney said that there was no problem. He was in the union. He flashed the label on his jeans that said "union made," and showed them a receipt for his AAA dues. It said "paid" and that was all they needed to see. He threw in a six-pack of beer and the union thugs where happy. They let Heney plug in the cord, and all the lights came back on. The union thugs left for the parking lot where they quickly made empty beer bottles, and Heney pocketed his $1.5 million for the job and returned to his room to play computer internet games. So ended the Great Blackout of 2003.
