Thursday, August 28, 2003
Heney Keur Unveils "Roadmap To Piece" - Takes It On Nationwide Tour
,Dateline, Rock, Michigan -
Dr. Heney Keur, Ph.D., P.E., M.O.U.S.E., Outstanding Fellow (thank you very much) of the Institute for the Advancement of Culinary Arts, Sampling Division, and Chair of the Department of Macro Mucho Pass-The-Pasta Home Economizers (order by 6 pm Monday - Thursday) has tendered his much anticipated and brilliantly delectable "Roadmap To Piece." Heney Keur is taking his Roadmap on the road beginning the 1st Monday after the 2nd Tuesday after the next full Moon (provided it doesn't fall on a Saturday) in search of the perfect "piece" of Dutch apple pie.
Says Heney, "Quite simply, we think that the perfect piece of Dutch apple pie will be found in California, and we have developed our 'Roadmap To Piece' to find it. Based on an elaborate mathematical formula developed by myself, in conjunction with Al Gebra (Al Jazeera's cousin) of the Math and Pseudo Add-Em-Up Adda-Boy Department here at the University of Southern Northern Michigan (main campus at Rock, Michigan), we have triangulated the coordinates of the pie somewhere in California. We believe we know the exact location, but we will not reveal it because the pie would probably be eaten by the time we got to it--story of my life. We received a grant from the US government in the amount of $830,000 for expenses and to actually purchase the pie, along with a couple of toilet seats for the men's basketball locker room here at Rock. If we go over the $830,000, we believe that the government will provide more funds or let us levy our own direct income tax to pay for the trip. We think the two toilet seats might actually put us a bit above our stipend amount."
Once Heney actually embarks on his tour, the "Roadmap To Piece" is expected to navigate Heney all the way to California and back--he had it laminated so that it won't get dog-eared along the way. The map itself has been published--except for the last couple hundred miles to keep the location of the pie a secret--by Rand McSquirrely Publishing, and is available nationwide from Barnes and Noble, Borders Books and Music, and also locally in Rock at Fred's Friendly Books, Magazines, Cigars, and Hard Cider. It is also available on line somewhere--everything is available somewhere on line. You can do one of those Goo Goo searches to find it.
