Monday, September 22, 2003
Kennedy Gets Foot Stuck In Mouth, Heney Keur Called In to Perform Extraction
The "Teddy Card" from
George Bush's newly released deck of cards
Dateline Hyannisport, Mass. -
Over the weekend Teddy Kennedy accused George Bush of "fraud and bribery" in connection with the Iraqi war and its aftermath (that's reading and writing for you folks in West Palm Beach, FL—get it, “after-math”). As Kennedy came up for air between drinks on Sunday morning, he muttered something along the lines of "George Bush is a fraud, and he bribed a bunch of people to try to get them to send their troops to Iraq (we are not making this up), and I wouldn't have driven into the river if that girl would have just passed me the flask like I asked (well maybe we are stretching it just a teensy bit)."
Now most people have heard of the schoolyard prank where a bunch of kids will get an unsuspecting new kid to put his tongue on the monkey bars in the dead of winter. Essentially, this is the same situation that old Kennedy found himself in—one of those “sticky wicket” type things, whatever a sticky wicket is; we think it has something to do with cricket, or was that crochet (some sort of English thing, anyway). He planted his foot so firmly into his mouth that his tongue had to move back down his throat to massage the top of his foot—imagine that (or maybe better not to imagine that).
Well, they had to call an expert to open the old facial cavity so that Kennedy could keep the bars in business (his contribution to the economy, and not to be underrated). Enters one Heney Keur. Heney was rushed to Washington aboard Sitting Duck One (the piper cub kept at Rock International Airport for Heney's exclusive use). After a refueling stop in Angola, Indiana, Heney arrived in Washington just as old Kennedy was starting to turn blue--and he wasn't even pickled. Heney quickly took the jaws of life (i.e., a half-used can of WD-40 and a crowbar) out of his tool bag. He had to work at it a while; but with "liberal" amounts (no pun intended) of WD-40, the crowbar, and a list of local bars with happy hours (for motivation), Heney successfully extricated Kennedy's foot.
According to Heney, “Kennedy is not running for president; there is no real advantage to him putting his foot in his mouth. But no sooner did I have the foot removed from it’s oral edifice and old Kennedy was trying to place it back in there again. It took some real judicious use of duct tape to keep Kennedy’s foot on the ground, where it ostensibly belongs.”
Then again, Kennedy has been known to use both feet to do a little swimming—sometimes in his three-piece suit!
