The Fruitport Snooze And Nunica Report

Dateline, Fargo, ND -

One of the nation’s premier airlines, Northwesterly (for the most part) Airlines, has made a major addition to its airline passenger caste system. Northwesterly (for the most parts)’s brand new Pleasingly Platinum Elite program is a welcomed major leap forward toward further discrimination between the various “strata” of customers, i.e., those who get the steak and carrots and those who get the pretzels and toothpicks. Undoubtedly, it is destined to become the affirmative action of the air.

With its headquarters in Fargo, North Dakota, Northwesterly (for the most part) Airlines is located northwesterly (for the most part) of most major urban areas in the eastern United States. The airline’s president, I. Friskum Daily, has this to say about the new pilot (no pun intended, really) program: “Our Pleasingly Platinum Elite program will add several new benefits for the flying public—especially for those who fork over boatloads of money to us each year. In addition to a fine 3-ounce steak on every other flight that a customer takes during odd-numbered months, the major benefit is our special terrorist protection policy. For a Pleasingly Platinum Elite program member, in the event of a terrorist takeover of the plane, we will recommend to the terrorist that they shoot the guy behind you first. However, terrorism being the inexact art that it is, we cannot offer a money-back guarantee should you be shot first. However, we will give you a free ticket to fly anywhere within our extensive system (non-transferable, of course) except for Alaska, Hawaii, the Caribbean, and Rock, Michigan. We got this guy who is always trying to get free fair to Rock.”

Daily went on to explain that the Pleasingly Platinum Elite program will rank right up there with the Pretty In Pink program that Northwesterly (for the most part) Airline’s unveiled last year. That program is geared toward the “Churchill Downs-type” lady, or was that the “Camptown Races-type” lady?