The Fruitport Snooze And Nunica Report

Dateline, Montpelier, Vermont -

Former Vermont Governor and current Presidential candidate Howard Dean is about to bring to market, along with his brother Jimmy Dean, a brand new sausage product. The sausage has not been formally unwrapped but it promises to be like no pork ever proffered by a purveyor of politics, especially if Dean should actually be elected President.

Says Dean, "I cannot tell you what the sausage product is just yet, but trust me when I say it will be a sizzling hit. I have been dealing in pork for all of my political life, and I must say--modest though I am--that nobody, I mean nobody, can bring home the pork like me and, of course, my brother Jimmy. We are a cut above the rest!"

However, down on the farm in Ohio, one rural resident Bob Evans takes exception. According to Evans, "These Deans talk out of both sides of their mouths. And that's hard to do with a mouth full of sausage. If Howard and Jimmy Dean knew what was good for them, they'd stick to bacon, or even ham, and leave the serious pork sausage to the experts. Even jerky would be a better match for Howard Dean's skills. As far as I'm concerned, everything Howard Dean sells looks, smells, and tastes like bologna, and that includes the salami."

While the FSANR has yet to ascertain the type and magnitude of Howard Dean's pork, let alone the size of the pork barrel needed to contain it, one thing is clear: Howard Dean supporters and detractors alike should get their bread, lettuce, and tomatoes ready--and don't spare the mayo.