The Fruitport Snooze And Nunica Report

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Dateline Peoria, IL -

The Fruitport Snooze learned today that U.N. Peacekeepers are on the ground in Peoria, IL having been dispatched forthwith (we always wanted to use that term) by Secretary General Kofi Anan (who is sometimes referred to as 8 o'clock Kofi for the time he usually rolls out of bed in the morning). It seems that General Fresh Ground 8 o'clock had a meeting with US Secretary of State Colon Powell (we'll leave that name alone for the time being) last week where he asked if the US was now ready for him to send peacekeepers to Iraq. Powell said that he wasn't sure that the American people are ready for UN intervention. Stated Powell, "We'll have to see if it plays in Peoria." Kofi shrugged his shoulders, went back to the office, and ordered an immediate invasion of Peoria.

Troops arrived this morning on the outskirts of Peoria, after driving all night long from New York. They only had to stop twice to fill up their Yugos. Each 8-gallon fill-up cost about $42.00--which is a really good price by the European standards to which they are accustomed. They thought they got a real bargain on the gas, and some of the commanders wanted to continue on to California and invade San Francisco, just to see what kind of mileage they could get cross country.

Well the troops stuck with the original battle plan and had their tactical headquarters established by dawn in Fred Lubbers cornfield on the southeast side of town. As Fred tells the story: "These guys with silly looking blue and white Disney-type flags pulled up my drive in about 8 or 10 of those little foreign jobs. Then this one guy, who seemed to be the ringleader or whatever, climbed out of the backseat of one of those roller skates, took a couple of minutes to straighten himself out, and then just stretched and stretched for the longest time. He looked like he was really hurt'n. Might a been stuffed in the trunk for hours for all I knowed. The little guy was only about 5'-4" and approached the barn where I was milking my prize cow Ernestine. This guy had a bit of an attitude and mumbled someth'n about some coffee or someth'n and said I should let him set up some fort or someth'n out in that there cornfield. Well, I looked up and saw all those little cars and funny flags and just about laughed myself silly. I told the guy he was scarr'n Ernestine and that he should git his-self back in that there car and drive straight off my property before I'd kick his posterior all the way back to Mars or wherever he came from. The guy then looked real sad, and I kinda felt sorry for him, so I thought there'd be no harm in lett'n him sit out there in the cornfield so long as he didn't pick the corn, and didn't scare the cows. He seem real grateful to me, and I really didn't hear a peep out of him or any of the folks he was with after that."

Fred Lubbers last Thanksgiving right after having his eye surgery

At noon today, the UN troops marched on downtown Peoria. At the time they came into town, though, the big annual Labor Day Parade was underway and folks thought that they were part of the parade, perhaps an act from the local carnival just doing some kind of a promotional. The folks smiled and waved and gave the troops a really nice Peoria welcome. The UN guys thought that they were being welcomed as liberators and waved back to all the nice folks. Well, at last report they were about to head on back to New York where they will be reporting to 8'oclock at about 9 o'clock tomorrow morning that all went extremely well in Peoria. And not only that, they got like 52 miles per gallon on the UN issued Yugos. Not bad, by European standards.