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Thursday, September 08, 2005

Heney Arrives In Kenya! 

Installment 2 - read installment 1 (previous article) first.

In route to New Orleans from Australia via Chile, Heney Keur's Australian military transport apparently overshot South America today, landing instead in Niarobi, Kenya. Heney called us at Snooze Central via his Verizon cellphone (which worked perfectly . . . we could hear him now) to report that he figured something was amiss when they had to clear giraffes from the runway before allowing his plane to land. Once Heney hit the tarmac, John Howard was seen back in Australia washing his hands of the whole mess.

Heney immediately headed to the American Consulate but was taken hostage along the way by Muslim extremists looking for a good time. They offered to take his head off for him, but Heney declined the offer, gave them each a karate chop and a Bible, and continued on his way.

The American Consulate said that they could put Heney on the first military transport back to the United States. However, since his last experience with a U.S. military aircraft put him in Indonesia, Heney—thinking that the Muslim offer might be the better of the two—declined this offer as well. Instead, Heney commandeered a old yellow piper cub from the Nairobi airport, cleared the giraffes again, and headed back for the good ole US of A. He figured he could stop in Libya to refuel, and at the same time settle an old score with Khadaffi. It seems that back in the 80's Khadaffi rented a camel to Heney so he could cross the desert to get to a book signing at a Barnes and Nobles in Cairo the next day. Well, as fortune would have it, the camel broke down along the way, and AAA-Libya would not come help him fix the problem or bring him a new camel. Heney always thought that Khadaffi had staged this breakdown and left him stranded because Heney's book represented competition for Khadaffi who recently published his own book, a biography titled simply, "Khadaffi--My Wives And Times." But we digress.

Anyway, as we write, Heney is somewhere over central Africa winging his way toward Tripoli. He packed a couple of peanut butter sandwiches and some goat's milk, so we hope he's good until at least suppertime. More to follow.

Heney Keur boarding his
newly acquired Piper Cub in Nairobi

Where Is Heney Keur In The Midst Of The Katrina Emergency? 

Installment 1 of a developing story.

Dateline - Nunica, MI

We have been asked numerous times the questions, "Where Is Heney Keur In The Midst Of The Katrina Emergency? Is he is Louisiana helping with the relief effort?"

We'll we received a satellite call from Heney yesterday while he was transiting over the South Pacific. What he told us is this: He volunteered to help FEMA early on in the emergency, but they said "what emergency?" They finally dispatched him to Maine five days after the hurricane. By the time FEMA realized that the Acadians had actually migrated to Louisiana a couple of centuries ago (where they became the "Cajuns"), and that Heney was needed in Louisiana and not Maine, Heney had already figured it out and hopped a military transport plane for Indonesia. The military apparently thought that the emergency Heney was referring to was the recent Tsunami in the far east. Heney was glad to lend his expertise to the Indonesians, but was really anxious to be in New Orleans to help out his fellow Americans in distress. So he jumped on the first boat heading toward Australia, where he figured he would be better able to catch a timely flight to the US.

Well, he ran into passport problems on arrival in Australia. It seems he only packed his French passport and the Australians weren't buying it this time. They said Heney didn't look or smell French, and besides they were on the outs with the French this week anyway--something about a shipment of bad cheese showing up in Perth last week. As of this writing, Heney finally got the passport situation straightened out after he was able to get a call through to his friend John Howard, the Australian Prime Minister. Howard put him on an Australian military jet where he is currently winging his way over the South Pacific, heading east toward South America and ultimately on to New Orleans. We will let you know more as soon as we receive the next satellite call or note in a bottle from Heney. Stay tuned!

--Ed deToure, Editor In Chief

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