Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Morons On The Road - Look For Triple Crown Winners!
Dateline Spring Lake, Michigan (but could be anywhere) -
Have you seen these people on the road? You know--morons. They are all over the place. And they seem to be getting thicker by the year. The hallmark of a moron is that he doesn't know he is one. For a reality check, if you have ever had a thought that you might be a moron, you can rest assured that you are not.
A moron on the road is a person who believes that the roads were paved just for him or her. The roadways are all extensions of his own driveway. A Moron can drive from Bar Harbor to Barstow without ever seeing another car.
While there are many distinguishing traits of a moron, none of which they themselves would ever recognize, a ground-breaking study at the University of Southern Northern Michigan's (Rock, MI campus) College of Extemporaneous Sundry Interpolations, Department of Transient Technology and Transportation Studies, has identified three behaviors that readily identify a congenital moron. They are:
1. A moron will pull his car directly out in front of you, with no clue that you are there and with no comprehension that you are about to be hitching a free ride in his trunk. Usually the moron has been at the intersection for quite some time, but only pulls out when you can clearly see the pores in his skin.
2. A moron travels at a speed of one-half or less the posted speed limit. Often he will slow down and speed up in an unpredictable cycle. He can at times give the impression that he is going to turn; but then after he has slowed you significantly, he will speed up again to approach his cruising speed of something under one-half the posted limit. Often during this behavior, a moron will come to a complete stop, confusing the roadway for a parking lot. This confusion, however, is usually temporary as he will "speed" off again ("speed" being a relative term) as soon as he has accomplished bringing you to a halt, causing the guy behind you to give "you" the finger and to call "you" a moron--which, of course, you know you are not, since you asked yourself that question while cutting yourself shaving earlier that morning.
3. A moron will slow down and turn without using a turn signal. As he begins to slow down, you are left to wonder if he is slowing so as to watch wild turkey by the side of the road, or to make a turn. If he seems to you to be anticipating a turn (figuring this out is actually a honed art), you then must determine whether the turn will be to the right or to the left. At this point, the University study suggests that these two universal laws will always apply:
A. If the moron crosses the center line and appears to begin a left turn, you know that he will actually be turning right after placing the fear of God into the poor sap traveling the opposite direction.
B. More importantly, however, if you decide to pull out to pass on the left, the moron will "always" decide to turn left into your path, even if he otherwise may not have been inclined to turn left. The moron is certainly not aware of your presence on his left at that point; he is, after all a "moron." But something in the genetic code of a moron at that moment in time exerts itself upon his central nervous system and he is compelled to make that left turn. He cannot resist, even if it is not the direction in which he is headed. It is like the loggerhead turtle swimming an ocean of miles to lay her eggs in the same spot where she was born. It is just something that must be done. This is a universal law and should not be taken lightly; the compelling lesson here is that once you identify a moron, never, ever attempt to pass him on the left.
Now if all three situations are presented in quick succession, i.e., pulling directly out in front of you (you must be able to see the pores), then slowing you down to at least one-half the posted speed limit (of course, you will never be able to pass because someone is always coming the other way in this circumstance), and then making a turn without using a turn signal (the moron has always wondered what that useless thing was sticking out of the side of his steering column), then you have before you the trifecta of moronic driving, the holy grail of moronic behavior; indeed, the moron in front of you has achieved the Triple Crown of Morondom.
The Triple Crown was once a phenomenon akin to a hole-in-one in golf. Nowadays, it is becoming more and more frequent, even to the point that it is witnessed by some people nearly every day. So as you travel the highways, city streets, and country roads about you (at 22 cents a mile for gas if you drive a jeep), keep a keen lookout for the morons around you. You just might spot the next Triple Crown winner! If you do, the University of Southern Northern Michigan wants to hear from you. Just send a postcard with all the details to: Postmaster, Rock, MI (he is sure to love that). You will feel better having vented.
Have you seen these people on the road? You know--morons. They are all over the place. And they seem to be getting thicker by the year. The hallmark of a moron is that he doesn't know he is one. For a reality check, if you have ever had a thought that you might be a moron, you can rest assured that you are not.
A moron on the road is a person who believes that the roads were paved just for him or her. The roadways are all extensions of his own driveway. A Moron can drive from Bar Harbor to Barstow without ever seeing another car.
While there are many distinguishing traits of a moron, none of which they themselves would ever recognize, a ground-breaking study at the University of Southern Northern Michigan's (Rock, MI campus) College of Extemporaneous Sundry Interpolations, Department of Transient Technology and Transportation Studies, has identified three behaviors that readily identify a congenital moron. They are:
1. A moron will pull his car directly out in front of you, with no clue that you are there and with no comprehension that you are about to be hitching a free ride in his trunk. Usually the moron has been at the intersection for quite some time, but only pulls out when you can clearly see the pores in his skin.
2. A moron travels at a speed of one-half or less the posted speed limit. Often he will slow down and speed up in an unpredictable cycle. He can at times give the impression that he is going to turn; but then after he has slowed you significantly, he will speed up again to approach his cruising speed of something under one-half the posted limit. Often during this behavior, a moron will come to a complete stop, confusing the roadway for a parking lot. This confusion, however, is usually temporary as he will "speed" off again ("speed" being a relative term) as soon as he has accomplished bringing you to a halt, causing the guy behind you to give "you" the finger and to call "you" a moron--which, of course, you know you are not, since you asked yourself that question while cutting yourself shaving earlier that morning.
3. A moron will slow down and turn without using a turn signal. As he begins to slow down, you are left to wonder if he is slowing so as to watch wild turkey by the side of the road, or to make a turn. If he seems to you to be anticipating a turn (figuring this out is actually a honed art), you then must determine whether the turn will be to the right or to the left. At this point, the University study suggests that these two universal laws will always apply:
A. If the moron crosses the center line and appears to begin a left turn, you know that he will actually be turning right after placing the fear of God into the poor sap traveling the opposite direction.
B. More importantly, however, if you decide to pull out to pass on the left, the moron will "always" decide to turn left into your path, even if he otherwise may not have been inclined to turn left. The moron is certainly not aware of your presence on his left at that point; he is, after all a "moron." But something in the genetic code of a moron at that moment in time exerts itself upon his central nervous system and he is compelled to make that left turn. He cannot resist, even if it is not the direction in which he is headed. It is like the loggerhead turtle swimming an ocean of miles to lay her eggs in the same spot where she was born. It is just something that must be done. This is a universal law and should not be taken lightly; the compelling lesson here is that once you identify a moron, never, ever attempt to pass him on the left.
Now if all three situations are presented in quick succession, i.e., pulling directly out in front of you (you must be able to see the pores), then slowing you down to at least one-half the posted speed limit (of course, you will never be able to pass because someone is always coming the other way in this circumstance), and then making a turn without using a turn signal (the moron has always wondered what that useless thing was sticking out of the side of his steering column), then you have before you the trifecta of moronic driving, the holy grail of moronic behavior; indeed, the moron in front of you has achieved the Triple Crown of Morondom.
The Triple Crown was once a phenomenon akin to a hole-in-one in golf. Nowadays, it is becoming more and more frequent, even to the point that it is witnessed by some people nearly every day. So as you travel the highways, city streets, and country roads about you (at 22 cents a mile for gas if you drive a jeep), keep a keen lookout for the morons around you. You just might spot the next Triple Crown winner! If you do, the University of Southern Northern Michigan wants to hear from you. Just send a postcard with all the details to: Postmaster, Rock, MI (he is sure to love that). You will feel better having vented.
