The Fruitport Snooze And Nunica Report

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Dateline, Rock, Michigan -

Dr. Heney Keur, Ph.D., P.E., M.O.U.S.E., Outstanding Fellow (thank you very much) of the Institute for the Advancement of Culinary Arts, Sampling Division, and Chair of the Department of Macro Mucho Pass-The-Pasta Home Economizers (order by 6 pm Monday - Thursday) has tendered his much anticipated and brilliantly delectable "Roadmap To Piece." Heney Keur is taking his Roadmap on the road beginning the 1st Monday after the 2nd Tuesday after the next full Moon (provided it doesn't fall on a Saturday) in search of the perfect "piece" of Dutch apple pie.

Says Heney, "Quite simply, we think that the perfect piece of Dutch apple pie will be found in California, and we have developed our 'Roadmap To Piece' to find it. Based on an elaborate mathematical formula developed by myself, in conjunction with Al Gebra (Al Jazeera's cousin) of the Math and Pseudo Add-Em-Up Adda-Boy Department here at the University of Southern Northern Michigan (main campus at Rock, Michigan), we have triangulated the coordinates of the pie somewhere in California. We believe we know the exact location, but we will not reveal it because the pie would probably be eaten by the time we got to it--story of my life. We received a grant from the US government in the amount of $830,000 for expenses and to actually purchase the pie, along with a couple of toilet seats for the men's basketball locker room here at Rock. If we go over the $830,000, we believe that the government will provide more funds or let us levy our own direct income tax to pay for the trip. We think the two toilet seats might actually put us a bit above our stipend amount."

Once Heney actually embarks on his tour, the "Roadmap To Piece" is expected to navigate Heney all the way to California and back--he had it laminated so that it won't get dog-eared along the way. The map itself has been published--except for the last couple hundred miles to keep the location of the pie a secret--by Rand McSquirrely Publishing, and is available nationwide from Barnes and Noble, Borders Books and Music, and also locally in Rock at Fred's Friendly Books, Magazines, Cigars, and Hard Cider. It is also available on line somewhere--everything is available somewhere on line. You can do one of those Goo Goo searches to find it.

For all of August 26th, 2003 (and maybe the rest of the month, too)

Heney Keur Solves Massive Northeast Power Outage

Dateline, Northern Ohio -

Dr. Heney Keur, Ph.D., P.E., M.O.U.S.E., current chair of the Dept. of Collective Rhyme And Reasoning in the College of Arts and Quasi-Sciences at the University of Southern Northern Michigan at Rock, MI, has recently been exposed. No, it's not what you think. It turns out that Dr. Keur put all of the resources available to him--and many others that he just plain took--to use in solving the major power outage earlier this month.

The investigation into circumstances surrounding the outage reveals that Heney was minding his own business at home in Rock where he was taking in a major new Broadway production (they try out new shows in Rock before moving to lesser venues such as NYC), when he received a desperate phone call from the folks at Consolidated Edison. Heney is known in electric circles (that's AC power for you novices out there) as the Red Adair of electricity. (Red Adair is, of course, the fella who travels around the world capping off oil geysers. Wouldn't you love to have his frequent flyer miles!)

Anyway, Heney was called in to cap one of the biggest blowout power outages in US history, or even Ancient Roman history! Well, Heney jumped on the first Greyhound bus for Ohio. After the 32-hour trip from Rock, Heney checked into the Motel 6 where he set up his base of operations. He quickly discovered that the Motel 6 had no internet service, so he pulled a spool of cable out of his suitcase (he always carries a 500 ft roll of cable wherever he goes--you never know when it might be needed), and strung the cable out the window, over the roof of the nearby Denny's restaurant, along the bridge that runs across the interstate highway, and finally to Merv Gluckers backyard where he tapped into Merv's cable connection. Merv is taking 20 bucks a month from Heney under the table for the connection, but the cable company doesn't know about this arrangement--hey, they get too much money for their service anyway.

Once Command Center One was established, Heney realized that he couldn't access the Internet as there was no power for his computer. Resigned to the fact that his Internet gaming would need to wait, Heney reluctantly headed over to the power company to solve the problem. When he arrived, he discovered that the main plug had been pulled out of the wall, but everyone there was really afraid to plug it back in because that was a union job, and the union thugs were on site to make sure that only a union guy would plug the cord back in. Of course, the regular employees didn't want to end up as part of the Giants Stadium endzone where they would have Jimmy Hoffa as their neighbor, so they were all sitting around playing Chinese Checkers and eating Win Schulers bar cheese and Ritz crackers when Heney arrived.

Heney Keur Caught On Camera By Paparazzi
While Vacationing Somewhere In Europe Last Year

Heney approached the union thugs offering to implement the fix. However, they said that the cord could only be plugged back in by a bonifide union official with his dues paid up to date. Heney said that there was no problem. He was in the union. He flashed the label on his jeans that said "union made," and showed them a receipt for his AAA dues. It said "paid" and that was all they needed to see. He threw in a six-pack of beer and the union thugs where happy. They let Heney plug in the cord, and all the lights came back on. The union thugs left for the parking lot where they quickly made empty beer bottles, and Heney pocketed his $1.5 million for the job and returned to his room to play computer internet games. So ended the Great Blackout of 2003.