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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Today’s lesson in history: How it really happened.

Yankee Doodle came to town,
Riding on a pony.
Stuck a feather in his hat,
And called it macaroni.

This song doesn’t really tell the whole story. It was not a feather that young Mr. Doodle stuck in his hat. Rather, it was a grilled cheese sandwich.

You see, Yankee Doodle was inexperienced in riding a pony. He had to keep both hands on the reins at all times to maintain control of the otherwise indomitable beast. One morning, while struggling with his pony and trying to hang onto a grilled cheese sandwich at the same time, Doodle decided to stow the sandwich in his hat, the most convenient place at hand. He then confidently rode into town, whereupon he was greeted by townsfolk waving large chucks of spiral-shaped pasta—macaroni. Doodle was reminded by this gesture that he was indeed famished, and his own lunch resided close by, in his hat. He grabbed one of the large macaronis from the crowd, stuck it in his cap and pulled down the grilled cheese sandwich—and then had lunch on the spot!

Afterward, he proceeded to the town square, hat in hand, having invented none less than the venerable macaroni and cheese!

And that, boys and girls, is how it really happened.

An Understanding of the Origins of Cinco de Mayo 

An Understanding of the Origins of Cinco de Mayo
By Heney Keur, Ph.D., P.E., M.O.U.S.E.

I have been asked by certain persons to explain the origins of Cinco de Mayo. These “persons” are, incidentally, the same persons referred to by Matt Lauer when he states, “Some people say . . .” and then continues on to interrogate the victim, er . . . I mean, interview the guest.

So the following is a compendium of my heavily researched study of the origins of this great excuse to eat real Mexican food.

Now, first came Uno, which is some of the best-eat’n pizza in the world;

Next came dos, which is how you take your medicine on a regular schedule;

Then we have tres, which is what you did while holding your hand on purple construction paper back in kindergarten;

Next we have Cuatro, who was, of course, the Great Plains Indian chief.

Finally, we arrive at Cinco de Mayo, which is a particular Mexican delicacy noted for the heavy use of mayonnaise. 

So you see, Cinco de Mayo originated when the great Chief Cuatro sat down one evening to eat a take-out Uno’s pizza.  Just as he was about to take the first bite, he remembered that he forgot to take his medicine.  So he excused himself from the table and went into the medicine man’s tepee.  While there, he saw a drawing of the medicine man’s young son’s hand, which the boy had drawn on purple construction paper earlier that day.  Chief Cuatro was amused, and he returned to the table, pondering the meaning of it all.  When he sat down, he found that the last piece of pizza had been consumed by none other than the medicine man’s boy.  Whereupon he walked into the kitchen looking for something to eat, as it appeared pizza was no longer on the evening’s menu.  He noticed a certain cornmeal concoction, a delicacy imported recently from Mexico.  It was sitting on a plate near the sink (cinco, in Spanish).  He picked it up, slathered a little mayonnaise on it, and—voila!—Cinco de Mayo was born!  The great Chief Cuatro became famous as the inventor of Cinco de Mayo, though he never really did figure out the meaning of it all, and he wasn’t even Mexican.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Heney Keur Headed To Gulf 

Dateline New Orleans -

President Obama recently designated Heney Keur as his special envoy to the Gulf. Heney immediately went out and played 18 holes at the Marquette Golf and Country Club, not far from his home in Rock, Michigan. The secret service showed up on the 13th green and informed Heney that it was the “Gulf” not “golf” that he was sent to inspect.

Never one to shirk his duty, Heney promptly boarded an old life raft from the Edmund Fitzgerald—he borrowed that from the museum at Whitefish Point located near where the Fitz went down in Lake Superior in 1975—and started on the long trip south. As he entered the Chicago River, Heney thought that he was being tasered from shore, when actually he had run across the stretch of water that is electrified to keep Asian Carp out of Lake Michigan. Aside from looking like he had stuck his finger in a light socket, Heney was none the worse for wear and continued down toward the Mississippi River.

Heney’s trip down the Mississippi was uneventful except for an old Confederate soldier who came out of the woods near Vicksburg with his bayonet fixed and charged old Heney. It seems that the soldier didn’t realize that the war was over. Upon finding out that the war had concluded 145 years earlier, the old soldier promptly died. Heney kept the bayonet as a souvenir; he thought he would hang it on the wall of his Warren Peace room (named for an old history teacher of his), and he figured he could later sell it on Ebay if he ever got tired of looking at it.

Well, Heney entered the Gulf on the 14th green . . . or, rather, the 14th of July . . . and found that the BP engineers were placing a cap on the free-flowing oil well. Heney is currently lending his expertise, and the expectation is that the well will be capped later today. Heney once capped an oil bottle after using some of the oil mixed with a little balsamic vinegar on a salad, so that alone makes him more competent than either BP or the current administration in Washington to get this job done!

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