The Fruitport Snooze And Nunica Report

Dateline New Orleans -

President Obama recently designated Heney Keur as his special envoy to the Gulf. Heney immediately went out and played 18 holes at the Marquette Golf and Country Club, not far from his home in Rock, Michigan. The secret service showed up on the 13th green and informed Heney that it was the “Gulf” not “golf” that he was sent to inspect.

Never one to shirk his duty, Heney promptly boarded an old life raft from the Edmund Fitzgerald—he borrowed that from the museum at Whitefish Point located near where the Fitz went down in Lake Superior in 1975—and started on the long trip south. As he entered the Chicago River, Heney thought that he was being tasered from shore, when actually he had run across the stretch of water that is electrified to keep Asian Carp out of Lake Michigan. Aside from looking like he had stuck his finger in a light socket, Heney was none the worse for wear and continued down toward the Mississippi River.

Heney’s trip down the Mississippi was uneventful except for an old Confederate soldier who came out of the woods near Vicksburg with his bayonet fixed and charged old Heney. It seems that the soldier didn’t realize that the war was over. Upon finding out that the war had concluded 145 years earlier, the old soldier promptly died. Heney kept the bayonet as a souvenir; he thought he would hang it on the wall of his Warren Peace room (named for an old history teacher of his), and he figured he could later sell it on Ebay if he ever got tired of looking at it.

Well, Heney entered the Gulf on the 14th green . . . or, rather, the 14th of July . . . and found that the BP engineers were placing a cap on the free-flowing oil well. Heney is currently lending his expertise, and the expectation is that the well will be capped later today. Heney once capped an oil bottle after using some of the oil mixed with a little balsamic vinegar on a salad, so that alone makes him more competent than either BP or the current administration in Washington to get this job done!

DECEMBER 15, 2008


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Hi all. Heney here. We have had so much snow in Rock, MI already this season that we are ready for some relief. And since the only relief we can wrap our arms around right now is comic, I offer you the following.

These statements below in "black" letters were posed by Jeff Foxworthy, as I understand it. The copyright belongs to him. My restatement here constitutes “fair use” for the purposes of advancing whatever little humor might have been contained within his statements. The advancement part comes in the form of my red-lettered comments on each of Jeffy Boy’s statements. Oh, and if you don't get something, don't write to me. Just stew over it for a little while and it will come to you. If it doesn't, well . . . then, you just might be from Michigan!

So, here goes:

Part I – You might be a Michigander

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.
Actually, it would be closer to 2 - 3 feet of ice by late January.

If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.
I have not kept count, but I’m guessing the actual number is something closer to 196.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.
Try Oct. 1 to May 1.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.
Only 5 months? Try Oct. 1 to May 1.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Michigan.
Yeah, what’s the big deal with this? Isn’t that why all of those people hang out in stores looking like they really have nothing to do? I try to spend at least a few hours each month hanging out in stores for just this purpose.

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.
I don’t get it. What’s a “suntan?”

If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.
Reminds me of an uncle in the family—who is also a postal worker.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.
Or often more bars than churches. And they are all numbered, e.g., 1st Reformed, 2nd Reformed, Saloon #1, #2, etc.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.
Well, they might just be lonely and using the “wrong number” routine just to find a friend. I see nothing wrong with this. There!

Part 2 – You know you’re a true Michigander when . . .

1. “Vacation” means going up north on I-75.
And, especially, across the bridge! (See #30 below.)

2. You measure distance in hours.
What other way is there to measure distance? I really don’t get this. I’m starting to think that this whole list is a joke.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
That would apply to just about everyone I know.

4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
Happens all the time in May and September, and quite frequently in June and August.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
Only 65? If the speed limit says 70, I’m there!

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
Not everyone owns their own monkey suit. Besides, it can be a big hassle to finish up the hunting, hike out of the woods, and then have to take the time to change cloths before the wedding. Furthermore, you’re just heading back into the woods after the reception anyway; so what’s the point?

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
Why would I want to leave my security lights unlocked? I didn’t even know that my security lights had locks. I don’t get it.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
I usually carry two sets in case one of them has gone bad from many freezing/thawing cycles. I have taught my wife to use them. I let the girlfriend just figure it out on her own.

9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
That’s the only way they sell them here.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
Ain’t that the truth, brother! From Oct. 1 to May 1, the roads are as smooth as a baby’s back side.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
Yeah, road construction is a lot shorter season than the others, for some reason.

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Yeah, they’re both pretty weird.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
Hey, I have two out back: a buck and a doe. Actually, a buck or two would be a little dough.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
Huh???

15. Down South to you means Ohio.
No. It could mean Indiana. In some places, it could also mean Canada.

16. A brat is something you eat.
Or somebody’s nightmare of a kid.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
Actually, the party is just all of the neighbors hanging around after having pitched in to build it.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
Yeah, at the Elks, Moose, Eagles, or some other lodge named for an animal.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
But we still go to the fireworks, even if in winter coats. Hey, it did happen once.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
And it breaks down much more often, too.

21. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”
It ain’t bad, if there’s no wind.

22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
Well, I sure wouldn’t be drinking baking soda and making dinner with my dad.

23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it’s not medicine.
It’s the greatest soft drink in the world. All of you out-of-staters, just as you are about to take your first sip, be sure to take a really deep breath through your mouth while holding the glass full of Vernors against your lips and over your mouth and nose. That is the proper way to drink Vernors.

24. You know what a Yooper is.
A lot of Yoppers are my friends, so don’t knock it.

25. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.
I own a Honda; I just don’t drive it into Detroit–especially if I have to make a sales call at GM.

26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.
More than a place, it’s God’s country!

27. You know it’s possible to live in a thumb.
And also it is possible to live in the little pinky finger. You could also go to Detroit and live in another part of the anatomy. But then you can do the same thing out east in New York City . . . or Washington, D.C.

28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.
Likewise when in New York City . . . or Washington, D.C.

29. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.
Let me wax philosophical for a moment: Like all good humor, there must be at least a grain of truth in it. In this case, though, I’m not sure whether this is supposed to be an attempt at humor or just a statement of facts.

Bonus statement (score yerself 3 points if you know what it’s talking about, eh):

30. From Marlene in Michigan: “If you say you’re going to the bridge, everyone knows to which bridge you are referring.”
And, of course, there really is only one bridge that is “the bridge.” If you don’t know what that bridge is, come on into Michigan for a 7-10 day visit. Leave your wallet, and then please go back where you came from (or stay here and pay taxes; whichever suits you best).