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Thursday, September 25, 2003

The Great California Debate


Jerry Brown
Dateline, Sacramento -

It was a great show. Arnold and Arianna duked it out, with Arnold promising Arianna a part in his upcoming movie, Terminator Four--what a generous guy. However, the real debate took place across town at the Jerry Brown Theater (Jerry Brown is great theater) on the campus of the University of Ying and Yang Zhen Enlightenment and Ummmmmmmmmmm (on one sustained pitch). There a focus group of aspiring young new-agers lit incense, chanted, and contemplated the meaning of meatballs in spaghetti.

After agreeing to disagree--although disagreeing in perfect harmony with the cosmos--the real debate began. Jerry Brown himself was present to provide the thesis for the debate: Should California be split off from the mainland US and allowed to be floated out into the Pacific?

"This position has been postured by many folks back east," said Brown, "and we wanted to get the pros and cons out in the open while maintaining a sense of unity and oneness with nature." Considering that we hmmmmmmm (on one sustained pitch) can affect global warming by driving our SUV's back and forth to our enlightenment gatherings, and we can also bring about global cooling by setting our refrigerator ice makers to maximum and then throwing ice out the window three times a day as we chant the mantra of the frozen tundra and arctic ecosystem (in key of F), we do of course have control of our destiny. We as Californians in search of truth and light will decide whether we want to separate from the US and drift out into the Pacific were our souls will be unified with the great sea from whence springs all life and thought."

Meanwhile, a collection is being taken by us unenlightened folks to help pay for shock treatments for Jerry if and when they should become necessary. Jerry, we care.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Kennedy Gets Foot Stuck In Mouth, Heney Keur Called In to Perform Extraction


The "Teddy Card" from
George Bush's newly released deck of cards

Dateline Hyannisport, Mass. -

Over the weekend Teddy Kennedy accused George Bush of "fraud and bribery" in connection with the Iraqi war and its aftermath (that's reading and writing for you folks in West Palm Beach, FL—get it, “after-math”). As Kennedy came up for air between drinks on Sunday morning, he muttered something along the lines of "George Bush is a fraud, and he bribed a bunch of people to try to get them to send their troops to Iraq (we are not making this up), and I wouldn't have driven into the river if that girl would have just passed me the flask like I asked (well maybe we are stretching it just a teensy bit)."

Now most people have heard of the schoolyard prank where a bunch of kids will get an unsuspecting new kid to put his tongue on the monkey bars in the dead of winter. Essentially, this is the same situation that old Kennedy found himself in—one of those “sticky wicket” type things, whatever a sticky wicket is; we think it has something to do with cricket, or was that crochet (some sort of English thing, anyway). He planted his foot so firmly into his mouth that his tongue had to move back down his throat to massage the top of his foot—imagine that (or maybe better not to imagine that).

Well, they had to call an expert to open the old facial cavity so that Kennedy could keep the bars in business (his contribution to the economy, and not to be underrated). Enters one Heney Keur. Heney was rushed to Washington aboard Sitting Duck One (the piper cub kept at Rock International Airport for Heney's exclusive use). After a refueling stop in Angola, Indiana, Heney arrived in Washington just as old Kennedy was starting to turn blue--and he wasn't even pickled. Heney quickly took the jaws of life (i.e., a half-used can of WD-40 and a crowbar) out of his tool bag. He had to work at it a while; but with "liberal" amounts (no pun intended) of WD-40, the crowbar, and a list of local bars with happy hours (for motivation), Heney successfully extricated Kennedy's foot.

According to Heney, “Kennedy is not running for president; there is no real advantage to him putting his foot in his mouth. But no sooner did I have the foot removed from it’s oral edifice and old Kennedy was trying to place it back in there again. It took some real judicious use of duct tape to keep Kennedy’s foot on the ground, where it ostensibly belongs.”

Then again, Kennedy has been known to use both feet to do a little swimming—sometimes in his three-piece suit!

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Northwesterly (for the most part) Airlines Announces Pleasingly Platinum Elite Status

For a high-fly'n good type, call Abdul

Dateline, Fargo, ND -

One of the nation’s premier airlines, Northwesterly (for the most part) Airlines, has made a major addition to its airline passenger caste system. Northwesterly (for the most parts)’s brand new Pleasingly Platinum Elite program is a welcomed major leap forward toward further discrimination between the various “strata” of customers, i.e., those who get the steak and carrots and those who get the pretzels and toothpicks. Undoubtedly, it is destined to become the affirmative action of the air.

With its headquarters in Fargo, North Dakota, Northwesterly (for the most part) Airlines is located northwesterly (for the most part) of most major urban areas in the eastern United States. The airline’s president, I. Friskum Daily, has this to say about the new pilot (no pun intended, really) program: “Our Pleasingly Platinum Elite program will add several new benefits for the flying public—especially for those who fork over boatloads of money to us each year. In addition to a fine 3-ounce steak on every other flight that a customer takes during odd-numbered months, the major benefit is our special terrorist protection policy. For a Pleasingly Platinum Elite program member, in the event of a terrorist takeover of the plane, we will recommend to the terrorist that they shoot the guy behind you first. However, terrorism being the inexact art that it is, we cannot offer a money-back guarantee should you be shot first. However, we will give you a free ticket to fly anywhere within our extensive system (non-transferable, of course) except for Alaska, Hawaii, the Caribbean, and Rock, Michigan. We got this guy who is always trying to get free fair to Rock.”

Daily went on to explain that the Pleasingly Platinum Elite program will rank right up there with the Pretty In Pink program that Northwesterly (for the most part) Airline’s unveiled last year. That program is geared toward the “Churchill Downs-type” lady, or was that the “Camptown Races-type” lady?

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Presidential Candidate Howard Dean Rolls Out New Sausage Product

Howard and Jimmy Dean--out of the fire and into the frying pan!

Dateline, Montpelier, Vermont -

Former Vermont Governor and current Presidential candidate Howard Dean is about to bring to market, along with his brother Jimmy Dean, a brand new sausage product. The sausage has not been formally unwrapped but it promises to be like no pork ever proffered by a purveyor of politics, especially if Dean should actually be elected President.

Says Dean, "I cannot tell you what the sausage product is just yet, but trust me when I say it will be a sizzling hit. I have been dealing in pork for all of my political life, and I must say--modest though I am--that nobody, I mean nobody, can bring home the pork like me and, of course, my brother Jimmy. We are a cut above the rest!"

However, down on the farm in Ohio, one rural resident Bob Evans takes exception. According to Evans, "These Deans talk out of both sides of their mouths. And that's hard to do with a mouth full of sausage. If Howard and Jimmy Dean knew what was good for them, they'd stick to bacon, or even ham, and leave the serious pork sausage to the experts. Even jerky would be a better match for Howard Dean's skills. As far as I'm concerned, everything Howard Dean sells looks, smells, and tastes like bologna, and that includes the salami."

While the FSANR has yet to ascertain the type and magnitude of Howard Dean's pork, let alone the size of the pork barrel needed to contain it, one thing is clear: Howard Dean supporters and detractors alike should get their bread, lettuce, and tomatoes ready--and don't spare the mayo.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Bin Laden Video Tape Surfaces

Dateline, South Bend -

A video tape purportedly rented by Osama Bin Laden has recently turned up at the Blockbuster in South Bend, Indiana, according to the Jazeera brothers, Al and Bill.

Photo of the actual Bin Laden Video -
"Death to America" inscribed on the back

Bill and Al Jazeera, owners and operators of Jazeera's Allah Akhbar Videos and Roadside Mosque in rural Southbend (located kiddy corner across the street from the big Amish meeting barn), report that they found the tape in the overnight return bin as they opened their store and mosque this morning.

According to Bill, "We were just about ready to begin our morning prayers toward Cleveland (same general direction as Mecca) when Al noticed that a mysterious looking tape had been returned overnight. It was strange that there was no standard movie title sticker on the tape, but only the words 'Death to America' inscribed by one of those jewelry engraving tools or a dremel tool or ice pick or something."

Bill continued, "Curiousity got the best of Al and he put the tape in the VCR to see what was on it. It turns out that it was an old Mary Poppins tape that had been out since 1988. We checked and found out that it was rented by Osama Bin Laden back in 1988 when he was in town to see about buying an Amish dining room set (everyone appreciates quality, and a wonderful hand-crafted maple Amish dining room set would be a great addition to any cave dwelling). It seems Bin Laden is a huge Dick Van Dyke fan, as he had also rented several Dick Van Dyke show tapes during that trip, according to our records. Well, we were glad to get the tape back after all that time even without the late fee."

Actual photo of empty video box
found in the parking lot - It's not
sure whether or not this box is
connected with the Bin Laden tape

According to Bill, however, there was another surprise in the return bin upon closer inspection. It seems that there was a note from bin Laden apologizing for being so late with the return. He left his American Express card number where the Jazeera's can bill the late fees, and also his satellite phone number and GPS coordinates just in case they need to reach him. Al said it best, "It's refreshing for a change to see an honest terrorist. Kind of renews your faith in the whole anarchy thing."

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Heney Keur Mulls Run For California Governor

Dateline, Eastern West Virginia -

Heney Keur, PhD., P.E., M.O.U.S.E. is in eastern West Virginia today (the northern part) to test the waters for possible entry into the gubernatorial race in California. Heney chose West Virginia for his foray in politics since it is far removed from the rough and tumble, politically-charged atmosphere that is the "state de affairs" in the land of fruits and nuts today. Not only that, but Heney loves West Virginia ham--and has really had a hankering for it lately. Says Heney, "There is nothing more satisfying and gratifying then sitting down at a picnic table with a bunch of coal miners, fresh back from a 12 hour shift, and sharing a wonderful honey-glazed Virginia baked ham." When it was pointed out that Heney was in West Virginia and not in Virginia proper, he said that he knew that but he likes Western cooking the best so he always goes to West Virginia for his ham.

Heney In The Mines
Dr. Heney Keur on the
campaign trail in the coal
region of West Virginia

Heney had anticipated supporting the candidacy of Arnold Schwarzenegger until the media pointed out that Arnold is a known Nazi, Communist, Fascist, child molester, ax murderer, and really bad poker player. Heney thought that California should have a decent poker player in the statehouse at the very least. You never know when Jesse Ventura might show up to play cards. So Heney is testing the waters, eating ham and playing poker with the miners in West Virginia. If all goes well there, Heney will take the next step and head toward Utah next week where he plans to do some serious card playing and cigar smoking with a focus group of Mormons.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

President Bush Gives Major Speech From Whitehouse - Heney Keur Rushed To Washington To Give Final Approval To The Text

Dateline, Washington D.C. -

President George W. Bush, His Royal Highness, Duke of Ellington, Earl of Hines, Count of Bassie, Baron on down on Al Quada, Milk of Cow of Magnesia, Lord of the Isles (Or Aisles whatever the case may be) and Prince, Great Steward, and Keeper of the Charlie's Angels video collection (hey, if the Brits can have all of these fancy titles, so can we) entered into the Great Hall of the People (or cabinet room, I guess) this evening to address the American people on the state of the state of the war--or was it the state of the state of the state of the war. Whatever.

Dubya's speech was a great one, even by contemporary standards (huh?). He outlined exactly what America's role must be in reconstructing a postwar Iraq, and also in building an 8 x 10 shed for Saed Salam to house his camel during those nasty desert sand storms. Bush said, "We must all pull together, or surely we will all pull apart--like those yummy oven bake rolls, you know. In our toiling and striving to build Saed's shed, we will find a new spark of freedom, a new hope for mankind and his camels. Before this fortnight is over (see side bar for explanation of a fortnight) we shall all join hand in hand, we shall overcome, and we shall all sing like the freed slaves of old: Free at last, free at last; thank God almighty, I'm free at last." Needless to say, it was a rousing, riveting, and generally overall better than mediocre speech. We found out that Geo W. can indeed pronounce "Saddam" better than his father ever did.

As for Heney Keur, he was rushed to Washington D.C. by ambulance all the way from Rock (wait 'till you see that bill!) to sign off on the President's speech. As readers of the FSANR know very well, Heney Keur is a Roads Scholar having spent a whole bunch of time around M-35 and US-2, two roads that run through and near Rock, Michigan. Heney is also an Interesting Fellow in the Department of Speechwriting, Forensic Science, and Gobbledygook within the College of Arts and Mortuary Sciences at the University of Southern Northern Michigan at Rock. If anyone would recognize a dead speech, it would be Heney (he's given enough of 'em).

Anyway, Heney arrived in D.C. (all 12 volts) just in the nick of time to review Bush's speech. However, he forgot his correcting pen so had to sidetrack to Staples, but they were closed when he arrived. By this time, Heney was frantic--he had a speech to correct, but was having a dismal and somewhat rather (but not a whole lot) nutso time of collecting the tools of his trade. Well, he ended up over at the Smithsonian Institution and grabbed one of those old quill pens out of the George Washington display, then made a beeline for the Whitehouse. Once he arrived, he was escorted to the Oval Office (which is really more pie-shaped than anything, if the truth be known), and quickly snatched up the speech and started making corrections. He decided to redline those parts about Chirac and some of his effeminate tendencies, and also struck out something to do with Kofi Annan's Mother's choice in footwear. Once the corrections were made, the text was rushed to Bush at about 8:28 pm, just as he was ready to step out to give the speech that he did not yet have in hand. Whew! Finished just in the nick of time, for sure.

Well, this was all in a day's work for Heney, who is accustomed to answering the call of duty of his country. Heney and Colin Powell sat down to a steak dinner in D.C. before Heney boarded a semi-truck (hey, the guy was going to Detroit) for the trip back to Michigan. With any luck, Heney will be home in time to see the talking heads do their best to discredit the idea that old Saed even needs a shed.

B L A C K O U T !

The Fruitport Snooze and Nunica Report is pleased to present a feature article that was published in the print edition last month just prior to us taking the publication exclusively to the internet. We hope you enjoy this one from the archives.

For August 15, 2003

B L A C K O U T !

Dateline Ohio – The entire northeastern quadrant (that means quarter for those of you in Southern California) went dark yesterday afternoon after a massive cascading (refer to Webster for that one) power loop de loop (a little French lingo there) hit the major eastern power gridiron (even though it is a little early for football).

This afternoon, The FSANR (not to be confused with ANWAR, which is the same thing but different) got the scoop of the young century concerning the cause of this unprecedented loss of downs—er, we mean power (got football on the brain for some reason).

It seems that one Seymour Watts, a power plant maintenance guy at an undisclosed location in Ohio (the same undisclosed location used by Dick Cheney, as we understand it) accidentally tripped over a cord while on his way to clean the men’s restroom and pulled the plug from the wall. This started the chain of events that lead to the biggest enchilada of a power failure ever to hit the US Homeland (used to be known as the U.S. of A.).

According to Mega Watts, Seymour’s wife, “Si was just do’n his job, gett’n ready to hose out the men’s urinals. Si takes great pride in his work ya know. He got a award last year ya know—for the best in show at the regional urinal hose’n and restroom floor swab’n contest over in Xenia. He was headed to the nationals this fall in Little Rock, but now I don’t know. This changes everything. Si is really embarrassed. He reported his accident to the boss late last night after a lot a soul search’n, and even offered to plug the cord back in. But the boss said no. That’s a union job, and they could get in real trouble if Si took it upon hisself to plug that there cord back in. Now I guess the union boss is golf’n this weekend, so I s’pose it’s all gonna hafta wait ‘till Monday.”

As of publication, the power is still down, with no indication when it will all finally be restored. We at the FSANR sure do hope, though, that that union thug has a good golf score this weekend.

Friday, September 05, 2003

Guest Reply Editorial - Re: Heney Keur's "Roadmap To Piece."

I always try to read my "copy" of the NUNICA report at NOON. I especially like keeping up with Heney! Oh, I mean Dr. Keur. Do you think he will eventually find the best pie in PA (Dutch country)? It's only a theory, but pie are square and Pennsylvania is more square than California, which seems to be more elongated.


Thanks for your insight, Jeff. We do see what you mean. It makes perfect sense that Dutch apple pie would be found in Pennsylvania Dutch country. And, of course, everyone knows that pie are indeed square, as is Pennsylvania (no reflection upon the residents, of course). We will pass along your comments to Heney, but we don’t think he will take too kindly to the suggestion that he might perhaps be looking in the wrong place for the piece of pie. After all, he spent a lot in gas to get out to California (especially with the current highway robbery prices). Also, he put a lot of effort into earning his “M.O.U.S.E.” degree -- at least 3 correspondence lessons spread over 4 years. The M.O.U.S.E. degree is supposed to guarantee that the conferee of said degree will “never in the course of human activity be found to be in error” -- it says so on the pigskin. In fact, The University of Southern Northern Michigan, at Rock, hired Heney right away once they found out that he had earned his M.O.U.S.E. degree, and from such a prestigious institution as Yell University, Division of Highly Creative Mind-Bending and Much Maligned Melding (Vulcan style). Well, in short, we will pass along your comments to Heney, and then duck and run!

-Ed deToure
(in chief)

Thursday, September 04, 2003

The Snooze Adds Guestbook, Hires New Editor

The Fruitport Snooze and Nunica Report has added a guestbook to our internet edition. You can now communicate directly to us all of those disjointed thoughts that have been simmering in a cauldron neatly tucked away somewhere in the vast, empty recesses of your brain for weeks now. Thoughts such as: "I wish that guy would take me off his mailing list;" and "What a stupid, mindless activity—I don't even get it;" and "Get a life! Go skip stones on Lake Michigan or something and leave me alone."

And to keep track of the volumes of guestbook entries that we expect to see, the FSANP has hired a new editor, Ed deToure. Ed wants everyone to know first and foremost that he is decidedly NOT French--don't even think it. In fact, Ed is the guy really pushing now for us to close the Paris office. We have been working toward closing the office for months, but we are having trouble getting the Paris electrical union to come by and turn out the lights. It seems that there are no light switches in the Paris office; the lights must be "turned off" by unscrewing them from their sockets. And for some reason the union has not been able to decide just how many French electrical-type guys would be needed to unscrew the light bulbs. Well, Ed got quite upset on the phone the other day. He called the union and said, "Hey, just send one guy, Chirac. He can hold a bulb, stand still and Europe will revolve around him."

The union tried to get a hold of Chirac but it seems he was testing a new French army tank all last week. It is a specially designed tank that has only caught on with the French military for some reason. It has five gears: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear. Chirac was having a great time with those reverse gears. If the French had had this tank in WWII, they could have retreated to Vichy in half the time. Well, if we can get Chirac out of his tank in the next week or so, we might be able to get those bulbs unscrewed and get that Paris office shuttered. Hey, maybe we can call Michael Dukakis to get some pointers on what it took to get him out of that tank when he was running for President back in '88.

Monday, September 01, 2003

U.N. Peacekeepers Patrol Peoria

Goofy looking Disney-type flag.  Do they fly this thing over Cinderella's castle?
(Pssst - mouse over the flag thingy above.^^^^^^)
Dateline Peoria, IL -

The Fruitport Snooze learned today that U.N. Peacekeepers are on the ground in Peoria, IL having been dispatched forthwith (we always wanted to use that term) by Secretary General Kofi Anan (who is sometimes referred to as 8 o'clock Kofi for the time he usually rolls out of bed in the morning). It seems that General Fresh Ground 8 o'clock had a meeting with US Secretary of State Colon Powell (we'll leave that name alone for the time being) last week where he asked if the US was now ready for him to send peacekeepers to Iraq. Powell said that he wasn't sure that the American people are ready for UN intervention. Stated Powell, "We'll have to see if it plays in Peoria." Kofi shrugged his shoulders, went back to the office, and ordered an immediate invasion of Peoria.

Troops arrived this morning on the outskirts of Peoria, after driving all night long from New York. They only had to stop twice to fill up their Yugos. Each 8-gallon fill-up cost about $42.00--which is a really good price by the European standards to which they are accustomed. They thought they got a real bargain on the gas, and some of the commanders wanted to continue on to California and invade San Francisco, just to see what kind of mileage they could get cross country.

Well the troops stuck with the original battle plan and had their tactical headquarters established by dawn in Fred Lubbers cornfield on the southeast side of town. As Fred tells the story: "These guys with silly looking blue and white Disney-type flags pulled up my drive in about 8 or 10 of those little foreign jobs. Then this one guy, who seemed to be the ringleader or whatever, climbed out of the backseat of one of those roller skates, took a couple of minutes to straighten himself out, and then just stretched and stretched for the longest time. He looked like he was really hurt'n. Might a been stuffed in the trunk for hours for all I knowed. The little guy was only about 5'-4" and approached the barn where I was milking my prize cow Ernestine. This guy had a bit of an attitude and mumbled someth'n about some coffee or someth'n and said I should let him set up some fort or someth'n out in that there cornfield. Well, I looked up and saw all those little cars and funny flags and just about laughed myself silly. I told the guy he was scarr'n Ernestine and that he should git his-self back in that there car and drive straight off my property before I'd kick his posterior all the way back to Mars or wherever he came from. The guy then looked real sad, and I kinda felt sorry for him, so I thought there'd be no harm in lett'n him sit out there in the cornfield so long as he didn't pick the corn, and didn't scare the cows. He seem real grateful to me, and I really didn't hear a peep out of him or any of the folks he was with after that."

Fred Lubbers last Thanksgiving right after having his eye surgery

At noon today, the UN troops marched on downtown Peoria. At the time they came into town, though, the big annual Labor Day Parade was underway and folks thought that they were part of the parade, perhaps an act from the local carnival just doing some kind of a promotional. The folks smiled and waved and gave the troops a really nice Peoria welcome. The UN guys thought that they were being welcomed as liberators and waved back to all the nice folks. Well, at last report they were about to head on back to New York where they will be reporting to 8'oclock at about 9 o'clock tomorrow morning that all went extremely well in Peoria. And not only that, they got like 52 miles per gallon on the UN issued Yugos. Not bad, by European standards.

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